This is what is known as a waste of time.

Maybe I should get an award for being the best at wasting time. That sounds stupid, but it’s really not as easy as you think. Or maybe it is and I’m just being ridiculous. But that’s exactly my point. Or, one of them. Being ridiculous is a waste of time.

I’m not talking about being idle. No, that’s nothing remarkable. Sure you waste time when all you do is sit in front of the TV and watch Gossip Girl all day. That’s easy. Because you’re not doing anything. Wasting time by being lazy and doing nothing all day is nothing new, nor is it impressive. What I’m talking about, is exerting effort, and lots of it, but specifically to waste your time.

When you think about it, wasting time while doing something is very difficult to do. For example, you roll a piece of paper into a ball and throw it in the trash bin. You do it enough times, and sooner or later, you’ve got a skill. It may be a very useless skill, but a skill nonetheless, and therefore an accomplishment. It’s how the world ends up with people being paid to play games. Surely, when they spent all that time in front of the computer during their youth, their parents and friends thought they were doing nothing but wasting time. But slowly, their gaming skills progressed and viola! Game companies are seeking them out for their gaming expertise, to find out what games can be sold.

I think I’m drifting further from the point. What are all these words all about? Why, the universal answer for everything cryptic and corny and useless and eye-rolling of course: Love.

This is what I’m talking about — that everyday, I would check a certain person’s Facebook page and read everything in it as if I haven’t read it all before. I would look at all his friends and see if we have any mutual friends, as if they change every 2 hours (they don’t). I check the Facebook pages of his previous friends and see if they’re friends again. I would read their profiles, looking for a sliver of information about him. I would Google his name and e-mail address and see if there are any new websites at all that mention him (there aren’t). And while I do this, I try to analyze each and every little detail about the smallest information I can find. For example, yesterday, his profile was open to everyone. Today, it can only be viewed by his friends. A few months ago, he deleted certain people from his friends list, and then added them again 33 days later. Up until two weeks ago, his status in YM was always Invisible. And then he was suddenly visible, but only during work hours. On weekends, he’s invisible sometimes, but visible other times. Sometimes he’s not online at all. Sometimes his friends tell me he’s in a bad mood for an entire week. He may or may not have watched a movie with his sister last Friday.

I gather all this information and think about what they all could mean– why was he in a bad mood? Why did he change his status to invisible? Why did he delete certain friends from a list, only to add them again later? Why did he see a movie with his sister? Does it mean that he asked a girl out but she said no and he took his sister instead? Did his sister blackmail him into treating her to a movie? Is he online on weekends because they’ve finally got internet connection at home? Is he out some weekends because his brothers won’t let him use the computer?

I think and think and think and come up with several answers for each ridiculous question– he and his ex are back together, they’re talking with each other through YM because she lives abroad; he treated his sister out to several movies because it was his graduation present to her; he changed the settings of his Facebook page because he met some new people and wanted his profile to be searchable, or maybe he made a mistake when clicking a button under privacy settings and accidentally opened his profile page to everyone; maybe he met someone he could start a business with and has been meeting with him/her for a while to talk about their plans to make money; maybe he was reading all the letters I wrote and for a split second missed me, too; maybe he had a fight with one of his best friends and that’s why they’re no longer talking with each other; maybe his brother’s girlfriend’s cousin’s classmate is partially responsible for the price hike of gasoline…

Do you see what I mean?

So much effort exerted to find out information, so many resources used, so many words spoken and exchanged with so many people, so many brain cells utilized, and it’s all for nothing.

I don’t learn any obscure skill except to be able to make myself feel like crap in an instant. I’m not going to help anybody sell anything. I’m literally, tiring myself out by being extremely unproductive.

This is what is known as a waste of time.

Now What?

So, I really want to be understanding and all, but why does the world do this to me? What has the world got against me? Okay, that’s too dramatic, I know I’m lucky because I’m still alive and I have a roof over my head and there’s food in the house blah blah blah so yeah, the world loves me plenty, fine. I guess the real question is, what has love got against me?

See, to prevent ourselves from fighting, E and I have worked out a standing schedule: We’ll meet every Thursday of the week, provided I don’t hassle him about meeting me any other day. I figured that once a week is alright, I mean, I have work now which requires me to be home late on Mondays until Wednesdays anyway, so the Thursday schedule thing is good.

But now, it’s Thursday, and suddenly he’s out sick. WHY.

I know it’s not his fault. I know he didn’t choose to be sick. Which is why I’m blaming the universe. Why, out of all the days of the week, would the universe make him sick today?! Why not yesterday? Why not tomorrow?? And it’s the second to the last Thursday that we can see each other, too. Because you know, we sort of had a deal that we wouldn’t meet on April. Which is stupid, but whatever.

What really sucks is that E isn’t a reasonable person and I know that if I try to convince him to meet with me another day, he won’t do it and he’ll say something like “Getting sick is a circumstance beyond our control and it’s not like I can turn back time,” like he did when he left me to watch Iron Man 2 by myself even when we already bought 2 tickets in advance. And because I don’t want to fight, I’m going to suck it up, no matter how unfair it is.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs. And possibly kill someone. But I don’t want to disturb the peace, so let me have this blog entry, which is emo, and stupid, and unreasonable, but… I have nothing scheduled for today now. I can just write blog entries all day. I think I’m a pretty patient person. I try not to get mad at all the little things. But the world just makes it impossible for anyone to be happy all the time. šŸ˜„


In other news, only two entries so far for March and the month’s almost ending. What is wrong with me?

I don’t know which is worse…

that he doesn’t love me and so I have to get over him

OR

that she’s got a new best friend and now I have to get over her, too.

Akalain mo ‘yun, kailangan mo rin palang matutong mag-move on sa mga friendship. Parang doble hirap kasi at least ‘pag ex-boyfriend ang kailangan mong pag-move-onan, tutulungan ka ng kaibigan mo. ‘Eh paano kung ‘yung kaibigan mo ang umiwan sa’yo? Wala ka namang boyfriend para tulungan ka. Paano na? Mag-isa ka na lang. Tulungan mo sarili mo.

May nag-send sa’kin ng quote, “Maturity begins when you realize that no one is coming to the rescue. In order to have a good future, you will have to take care of yourself, etc. etc.” hindi ko na masyadong maalala basta parang ganun ang dating. Fine. Hindi naman ako nagpapa-rescue. Malungkot lang.

Pasensya na. I know everybody’s talking about the new year, or perhaps people have stopped talking about it since the first week’s almost over. But since I’m on holiday and have no sense of time, the new year doesn’t officially begin for me until next Monday when everything will go back to “normal”. So in the mean time, wala munang new year-related posts from me. Actually sa totoo lang, ayoko naman talaga ng mga posts na napapanahon, kasi ‘pag nagbabasa ka ng mga blog ‘eh parang pare-pareho lang ang nababasa mo so nakaka-bore tuloy.