The Worst Part

I don’t really feel like talking about the new year anymore. After reading so many blog entries of my friends about it, I’m sick of it. So instead, I will talk about this:

Earlier today, a friend posted a “joke” on my Facebook Wall that said:

101 Answers to the Question ‘Why r u still still single?’
No. 31: “Eh kasi ‘yong mahal ko, puro tanong eh. Ayaw akong sagutin.”
~ THIS IS SOOO IDA!!!!

Of course, it’s a joke and I’m not supposed to take it seriously at ang mag-react nang seryoso masyadong sensitive at pikon. So naturally, I posted a really overdramatic response to it that nobody would take seriously para mukhang “joke” din ‘yung sinabi ko. I know my friends didn’t post that on my Wall to be mean of course, but it did get me thinking of the depths of patheticness that I’d reached since my unrequited love fiasco.

I guess it really showed that my entire world revolved around only E and that I had nothing better to do than pine for him and talk about him and think about him and cry for him and well, basically do everything for him. It makes me sad. I don’t regret the things that happened between me and E, but I think I do regret that in my former office, the thing that most people knew about me, was that I was in love with him (and that he didn’t love me back). Every year we would write each other messages on cardboards as part of our “teambuilding” activities and the stuff I would read on my cardboard would be all about E. Maybe not all of it, but around 90%. Was he really all I talked about then? Nobody would comment about my addiction to movies or TV. Nobody talked to me about Harry Potter. Nobody knew the songs I liked to listen to. But everybody knew about E. Everybody knew that I went to the rice terraces with him, and that his religion is different from mine, and that I’m always crying because of him. It’s my fault, of course. That is the side of me that I let them see, so naturally, that’s what they would always think when they see me. And even now when they don’t see me, but when they see a quote in Facebook that’s particularly about unrequited love, they would think of me. One of them even compared me to Nodame from Nodame Cantabile (a J-Drama). She said that just like Nodame, who didn’t care how crazy she looked as long as she could get closer to Chiaki, I also didn’t care how crazy I looked as long as I could get closer to E. I know she was just being honest and didn’t mean this as an insult, but I can’t help but think that it is an insult. Because she’s basically saying that I would do anything to chase after E. But again, I can’t blame her for saying that because, I think I did reach that level of stupidity. I think I’m there still. And it embarrasses the hell out of me.

The worst part about unrequited love I guess, despite the whole “the one you love doesn’t love you”, is the humiliation. Because, I don’t know, apparently some people think it’s “funny” when you’re heartbroken. Some people think that when you chase after someone, you’re really “funny” for doing so because it’s like you’re so desperate. And it’s way worse when you’re a girl chasing after a guy. Of all the things I hate about double standards, this is the worst — that when a guy chases after a girl, it’s “romantic”, but when a girl chases a guy, she’s “desperate” and pathetic.

And people wonder why I’m not friendly.

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