Anti-social na kung anti-social. But I think… I could be really happy if I were the only person in the world.
I don’t mean that I would be the first human being in the world that I would never know buildings or TV or whatever. And I know that of course, without other people, there could be no TV or other forms of entertainment, I guess, since there would be no authors to write books or scientists to create the iPod. But, let’s not get too technical.
Suppose I was magically transported to a parallel universe where everything is still the same — I can still watch the latest episodes of Glee on TV and go to the bookstore and find the same books. There would be electricity and water and fastfoods and restaurants would be in operation, albeit there are no actual people running them. Let’s say that everything is automatic, but without the threat of the A.I. becoming too intelligent and waging a war. Everything will be the same, except that there would be no actual other people in the surroundings.
I think I could be happy in a world like that.
I will still be able to eat what I like to eat, watch what I want to watch (like all 3 seasons of Chuck over and over), and basically do the same things, but without having the judgement of society put upon me. Nobody would tell me that I need a job, nobody would feel sorry for me because I don’t have a boyfriend, nobody will think me stupid for not having passed that entrance exam… I’ll be able to travel wherever I want without having anyone say that I don’t have my priorities straight because I’d rather use my money to travel than save it for a rainy day, or use it for charity.
I really don’t like these social networking sites. I signed up because it has its advantages — you get to reconnect with people you miss and make new friends, but it has one very big disadvantage that has me pondering disabling my account every other day: Somehow, and I’m not saying it’s on purpose, people feel the need to brag about themselves in sites like these. And well, because I’ve nothing to brag about in my own life, it just makes me feel insecure, or if not that, then annoyed.
Sure, anyone can say that if you love yourself then it doesn’t matter what anyone says, you won’t feel bad, or you shouldn’t care what anybody else thinks because the only opinion that should matter to you is your own. And that we should accept that there will always be someone better or worse than us, and so we should never compare. But… when you’re actually faced with the knowledge of what people are doing, what their opinions are about certain things, and what they think of you… you cannot help but care, or at the very least be curious.
So, I won’t talk about my “career” because that’s no fun to talk about, but there is something else that’s bothering me. It’s how people/society persecutes those who like to be alone. I used to not mind at all being alone while eating at a restaurant, but now I feel like needing to hide whenever I’m alone in a restaurant because I’m afraid that if somebody I know sees me, they’ll think that I’m a loser who has no friends. I didn’t used to think that there was anything wrong with seeing movies alone either, but when I tell people that I do this, a lot of them ask if I felt sad while seeing the movie because there was no one beside me to laugh with or whatever.
I’m not saying that I don’t like the company of other people. I do of course. But I wish that people won’t judge me because I don’t have enough friends that I would always have other people to see movies or eat at restaurants with. And contrary to what you’d normally think if you were suddenly all alone in the planet, that you would feel lonely without anyone to talk to and so will eventually go mad, like Tom Hanks in Cast Away, who had to pretend that a volleyball was his friend just so he could keep his sanity (although it eventually seemed like what made him lose his sanity, too), I think that if you were really all alone, and there was no judgement from anyone, then it wouldn’t feel lonely at all. Because all that would really matter is you. You really won’t have to please anyone but yourself. I know some people think that they already do this, that they’re not adjusting to anybody else because they’re in total control of their lives and their feelings, but even the simple act of following traffic rules is already adjusting yourself to society’s standards. Using a spoon and fork while eating is adjusting to society’s standards. Saying “hello” is adjusting to society’s standards. And when you adhere to society’s standards, you give society the right to judge you and tell you that what you’re doing is wrong, that watching a movie by yourself should make you feel sad.
I don’t want to be mean or rude or hurt anyone’s feelings, so I don’t ignore people who say hello to me, and I still follow traffic rules (for the pedestrian, anyway, since I don’t drive) and all that stuff. But I do wish that for the other things, like what I’m going to do with the rest of my life, or why I’d rather spend my money on delicious dessert rather than buy a non-fiction/self-help book to enrich my mind, I wish people could just leave me alone.