What Am I Doing?

Napansin ko ngayon lang na napaka-impersonal pala ng blog na’to. Wala na’kong ibang kinuwento kundi mga neutral things, e.g. movies, books, music, work stuff… Ang boring! So ‘yan, magkwento naman tayo ng masaya. ‘Yung medyo kontrobersyal. ‘Yung pwedeng pag-showbiz. Hehehe.

Pero bago ‘yon, disclaimer muna. ‘Wag n’yo masyadong seryosohin ha. Showbiz nga ‘eh, ibig sabihin, hindi talaga super totoo lahat, ‘yung ibang details pang-publicity lang. 😉 Hehehe. Saka pala, side comments inside the parentheses. Sorry, magulo utak ko ‘eh. Pero ayos ‘yan, para mala-stream-of-consciousness style kunwari.

Oks, start na!

What am I doing? I’m opening a can of worms is what I’m doing.
(Yesss sabay nag-English ako. Hahaha, ‘wag n’yo nang pansinin ang pag-shift ng language, sadya ‘yan para mas-natural ang dating.)

Or is it supposed to be Pandora’s Box? Maybe, I’m opening Pandora’s Box, and it has a can of worms in it. (Does that make any sense?)

The plan was to stop seeing each other, and live separate lives. That’s what the long goodbye on the last day of 2008 was for. So, what am I doing talking to him again? And… what is he doing talking to me again? Ito rin ‘yung problema namin last year (and the years before that) diba? We say goodbye, but not long after, we say hello again. And then, not long after that, we remember why we said goodbye in the first place, and then again, say goodbye. Siguro kung gawan ng Book-A-Minute ng ultra-condensed version ang kwento namin, meron ‘ding “Repeat 100 times” sa dulo. Baka 1,000 times pa nga dahil hindi na mabilang kung ilang beses namin inikot-ikot ang mga pangyayari. Away-bati nang away-bati, idol siguro namin sina Ross at Rachel ng Friends o kaya sina JD at Eliot ng Scrubs. (Teka, bakit TV shows pa rin ang pinag-uusapan ko?)

Hindi. Hindi naman talaga. Hindi namin sila idol at wala kaming gustong gayahin. Pero medyo naiintindihan ko rin sila. Siguro marami ngang nakaka-experience nun. Siguro para sa’ting lahat, meron talagang isang tao na hindi tayo mapapalagay kung anong gusto nating mangyari sa kanya. I mean, kung anong gusto nating role niya sa buhay natin.

“Now, are we friends? Colleagues? Lovers? Are you my grandmother?” – Sheldon Cooper, The Big Bang Theory (Season 2, Episode 11)

Pero ‘wag n’yo kami i-judge. Although, ako mismo jinu-judge ko kami. ‘Ehh… Pero ang hirap naman kasi ‘eh… Kasi parang ang sama nung tipong, close na close kayo tapos isang araw, bigla na lang, parang ‘di na kayo magkakilala. Diba weird? I mean, how do you pretend that you’re mere acquaintances with a person that you practically know inside-out? Kung may magtanong sa’yo kunwari, kung may kilala ka bang magaling na graphic artist, you mean, kailangan mong sabihin na hindi mo siya kilala, kahit alam mong kailangan niya ng bagong project para mabayaran na niya ng buo ‘yung binili niyang art materials dati?

Ang hirap din when there are other people involved. I think, that’s the reason all of this is starting again, kasi may bagong cast of characters. Mga taong, wala nung simula, so hindi pa alam kung anu-ano nang mga nangyari, and therefore aren’t yet tired of the stories. Ang weird ‘pag may bagong tao sa buhay mo, ano? Kasi parang, kailangan mong ulitin lahat ng mga nakuwento mo na sa mga dati mong friends, pero since first time lang nilang naririnig ‘yung kwento, interesado pa sila. So ikaw naman, gaganahan ka rin magkwento, kasi interesado pa sila ‘eh. Tapos lalo ka pang mabubuhayan kasi mas-mahaba na ‘yung kwento this time, at dahil nakwento mo na several times sa iba mo pang friends, maayos na’ng pagkakwento mo, naka-organize na into different segments at meron nang commentary. ‘Yung mga tipong linya na ginagamitan ng expression na, “In retrospect…” katulad ng

In retrospect, I suppose he was nice to me just because he didn’t want to be the reason why I was sad. But that didn’t necessarily mean that he wanted to be the reason why I was happy.

Still, I can’t help but notice how differently he treats me from the way he treats his other friends. I mean, he’ll say that we’re just friends, and that I’m in no way more special than the others, but I’m always the one he’ll give the last piece of cheesecake to (10 points to you if you recognize whose line I based that on). And I, being the foolish little girl that I am, eat it up.

What I feel the worst about is how I can never explain any of it clearly to anyone, and the consequence is that I get all sorts of lectures like the “Ano nanaman ‘yan?!?” lecture, the “Akala ko ba tapos na ‘yan?!?!” lecture, the “Utang na loob, hindi pa ba tapos ‘yan?!?!?” lecture and the “Bahala ka na nga sa buhay mo!” lecture, which are mostly presented by my older sister (at minsan ay may visual aids and physical activities pa, ‘yung icebreakers ba).

So ano na nga ba? Ano nang ending nitong chapter na’to, if this is indeed a chapter, or is it a new season with a brand new arc and plot twist? Actually parang ganon na nga. Kasi nag-develop na rin ‘yung mga characters ‘eh (I think) — my older sister, who used to be a constant everyday presence, has migrated to New Zealand and is now just a recurring character (mostly during the holidays). My friend J who was previously unemployed and unoccupied enough to be able to talk some sense into me whenever I go crazy, has found himself a job and a girlfriend, and so is too busy with his own life-drama (Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for him 🙂 ). And my other friends, who were all supportive at first and excited to hear about the new developments, have gotten tired of the repetitive scenes and inconsistency in the plot. And then, ‘yun nga, enter the new characters, friends of his, whom he hasn’t seen in a long time, and are only all too eager to have something new to tease him about, kaya high na high ang energy sa pag setup ng mga lakad, dinner, out-of-town trips para lang mag-move forward ‘yung story.

Maybe, sasabihin ng ibang audiences (particularly those who have been watching since Season 1) na pinilit na lang ng mga writers na magkaroon ng storya, para lang matuloy ‘yung series. Pero siyempre, mixed reviews — meron din namang mga audience na, gusto pa rin nila ‘tong bago, kasi bitin ‘yung last time ‘eh, may mga naiwang arcs na hindi tapos. As for me, I think it was some time around Season 1 that I decided to just see where this is going, and then decide later on if I’m going to renew my contract or not. Unfortunately, at this point… Hindi ko pa rin alam. Kasi pwede pang magkaroon ng plot twist that makes the story interesting, or kung wala man, I should at list stick it out ’til the season ender, right? I mean, what’s the point of opening Pandora’s Box (or a can of worms, or the can of worms inside Pandora’s Box) if you’re not going to look at each and every thing that’s inside it, right?

Alam n’yo, masyado yatang malayo ang inabot nung showbiz at TV show metaphor. Pasensya na. Hehehe. I got carried away. 😳 ‘Eh kasi… Ang hirap ‘pag usapan. *sniff* (‘Yan drama na talaga, may sound effects pa! Hehe.)

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