Get It Together

Guess what, I’m writing two blog entries at the same time. How ’bout that? 😐 I’m crazy. It’s because I thought of writing this while I was writing in my other blog, and didn’t want to lose this thought, so I opened another tab and started writing it right away. Or, at least the title. Because it’s what I need to do: Get my act together.

*

See, I like to write. But I have nothing to show for it. No published articles, not even official projects that I can at least put in my resume. Even this blog, doesn’t have many readers. What’s worse is that I’m not at all puzzled about it. I know exactly why not many people read my blog — because the stuff I put here, the stuff I write, aren’t really all that interesting. And they’re not interesting because I lack the writing skills to make things seem interesting. And no, I’m not fishing for compliments. I’m saying this, because I seriously think I should start taking writing more seriously. I mean, if I want to be a real writer, then I should read more, and write more. I mean, I should start writing about things that really matter, things that people will want to read, not just random stuff about my life that nobody cares about anyway (again, I’m not fishing. I’m saying that I’m not interesting because I’m not the first woman on the moon).

A lot of people I know, who like to write, already have some articles and short stories under their belts. I’m not envious of them, just… disappointed at myself.

*

I’m studying Japanese. But because I stopped studying for 2 weeks, I never quite got back into the rhythm of it. Now I’m so far left behind in class, I’m actually scared to go to class. Because I’m afraid I won’t understand anything. Not to mention, I’m so ashamed of showing up without having finished my homework. And I’m soo far behind on my homework.

And the class isn’t really all that bad, I mean, my sensei is a good person and she’s pretty understanding. What’s really bad is that because of this slow rate I’m going, I’ll most likely fail the proficiency test next month. And I’m not doing anything about it. Instead of actually studying, I’m writing useless blog entries like these.

*

I’m not very friendly. My friends are mostly from school, and I never really got around to making new ones anywhere. I mean, I guess the people in the office are my friends, too. But I’m not really all that close with them. And it seems that they’ve formed their own cliques and I’m not really good at getting along with people who already have their own cliques. And well, I’m just usually left out.

*

Both my siblings are abroad. Career-wise, I really don’t have that much direction. I have a rank and file job, which although I love and am grateful for, I have to admit, isn’t exactly the most financially rewarding thing in the world. But to get to a “better place”, I’d have to work on everything else I mentioned above. And I’m just not doing that.

*

I should stop ranting. I should stop talking about this. I should stop crying. Why can’t I pull myself together? I’ve never been much of a go-getter. Or a fighter. Or whatever, really. But I’m not going to make excuses. This is all my fault, of course. I know it. That’s actually what makes it worse.

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