Maybe I Am a Bad Person

So I told you before that the team I’m in in the office is a bit distant from the rest of the teams in the department, right? Well, I just found out today, from one of my teammates, that apparently, in the last summer outing, there was something like a department group picture, but our team wasn’t in it. Of course, we had several pictures of our team as well, but other than our own team members, and those in the other department we’re friends with, there were hardly any other people in our pictures. It was always just us.

Well, it’s usually the case with us, in company-wide events. Our team would always be doing something diffferent from the rest of the department (from the rest of the company, even). Anyway, my teammate said that she felt sad, because we really didn’t belong with the rest of the teams. And she said that because the rest of the teams have already bonded with each other, then there’s really very little chance left for our team to be part of them.

I totally don’t mind. I actually like it better that way. I’m not saying I don’t like the people from the other teams. They’re fine. They’re probably good people, too. But I have always been one to prefer small groups over large ones. I’ve always been someone who prefers a few close friends over several people who you won’t really get to know all that well anyway. I’m not friendly. And I don’t have any desire to be friendly. Maybe I’ll suffer the consequences of this snobbishness later on. Maybe a time will come wherein I would need help from someone, but since I don’t know that many people, then no one would be able to help me. But that’s actually fine with me. If no one is there to help, then that must mean that whatever problem I’m facing, is something that I should face alone.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m a bad person after all because I don’t feel any sadness towards our being somewhat of an outcast. The truth is, I think I’ve been purposefully distancing myself from people, purposefully making myself an outsider, because I like it better. It’s a lot easier, because you have less people to worry about, less people to think about. And although you have less people to share things with, and find out about, that’s really fine with me. Like I said, I’d rather get to know a few people really really well, than be friends with a lot of people who I won’t really be able to be myself with.

I already know all this about myself. I’ve no problems with it. So why am I writing about it now? I guess I just feel guilty because I told my teammate something that I think sounds a bit mean. See, she was feeling sad because she felt our team didn’t belong with the rest of the department, right? And I told her that if she wanted to be part of their group, then she should just go and be a part of them and that there was no need to take the whole team with her.

That’s a mean thing to say, right?

I don’t know. Maybe the rest of my teammates feel like they want to be part of the department too and I’m the only one who doesn’t feel that way. But even if that was the case, I wouldn’t hold them back. They can make friends with whoever they want. And I can not make friends, with people I don’t want to be friends with.

Is it wrong not to feel sad when you find out you’re an outsider? A lot of times, I’ve felt sad because I felt that people never really open up to me. I feel bad because I think that people don’t trust me. But I’ve never blamed anyone but myself for this. I’ve always known that it’s because, most of the time, I’m really not all that interested in what people have to say. That’s bad, right? Because you don’t learn new things that way, when you take only the things you’re interested in, and become indifferent to the information you think you won’t ever need. But I just can’t bring myself to do it. I’ve tried and tried, but I’ve found that I’m just really not interested in the things most people are interested in.

I’m not excited by any of the “reality” shows. I don’t like reading the books that everyone’s reading at the moment. I don’t like watching local television. I am not at all entertained with commercial jingles. I don’t find gay comedians the least bit funny. I don’t think rumors about actors and actresses are worth my time. I will not watch a blockbuster movie just because everyone says it’s good. And most of all, I can’t stand conversations with big groups where you’ll only be able to contribute bits and pieces of your opinion, but you won’t be able to say what you really think.

In fact, if I’m going to be completely, 100%, no politeness involved, honest with all of you, I’m going to admit, that despite my closest friends (and my officemates as well) being really smart and interesting people, there is still nobody whom I feel like I can talk to about anything. Maybe this is the reason why I don’t really like making new friends. Because if I do, I’m just going to have to put up another smiling face, and pretend that I’m a really nice person. And maybe the real reason I like the friends that I have now is because with them, I don’t have to pretend anymore.

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