* Creating Enchantment *

Just a few minutes ago, I was left alone at the table in the office pantry, eating the ice cream I ordered, but didn’t know about until somebody told me that it was time to eat, because it was only then that they realized that they didn’t copy me in any of the e-mails that talked about how the food we had delivered had already arrived.

Anyway, I was just wondering if anyone else experiences it, being left out, I mean. It has often happened to me, wherein I’m the only one left eating, but everyone else around me is already fixing up their dishes, and cleaning the table. I don’t blame them. We’re in the office after all, and so we don’t have the luxury of taking our time. We have transactions to go back to, deadlines, phone calls… Still, I find it kind of sad.

Because I eat so slowly, I get left behind. Because I have interests so different from everyone else, less people talk to me. I’m not blaming anyone for this, because it’s not anyone’s fault. It is probably mostly mine, because I’m the one who eats slowly and I’m the one who doesn’t watch TV (and so I don’t know about what TV shows they’re watching, and I don’t know the names of celebrities and who they’re going out with). I am finding it difficult to understand though, that whenever I think that I’m different, people will tell me that I’m really not. They’ll tell me that I’m just like everyone else, and that liking science fiction, and j-doramas, and Lawrence Block and Renee Olstead is nothing out of the ordinary. Yet, whenever I try to talk to them about these topics, they are not interested. And I am left with a forced smile on my face, whenever they talk about Gretchen Barretto or whoever else has a scandalous news item at the moment.

I am trying to be interested in the things that others are interested in. I read synopses of Kung Fu Panda, and asked about what Hancock is about. But you know as well as I do, we can’t all be interested in everything. And that there will always be some things that we won’t like. I don’t just not like Dreamworks animated films because they are mainstream. I don’t like them because their stories are inconsistent, the animation mediocre, and the dialogue predictable. I don’t like Star Trek because nobody else likes it. I like it because it stimulates my imagination, and sometimes my sense of morality, or my philosophy. I don’t hate R&B because the bullies in my high school listened to it. I hate it because I don’t enjoy listening to a 5-note sequence being repeated 700 times. It’s not because everyone talks about Kris Aquino and that’s why I don’t like talking about her. It’s just because I don’t think there’s anything special about her worth talking about.

It is a bit tiring to be polite all the time. Sometimes, I think it’s better to eat lunch alone, just so I won’t have to force myself to act like I’m enjoying the conversations. But I don’t really want to eat alone. I don’t want to not have any friends. I want to get along with everyone. I want to be friendly. I want people to like talking to me. But somehow, the things I like, people don’t like. The things I find funny, people don’t get. And the few people who do get them, are all so very far far away. Farther than a phone call, farther than an e-mail… Farther than the phrase “I’m sorry.”

So I told you before that the team I’m in in the office is a bit distant from the rest of the teams in the department, right? Well, I just found out today, from one of my teammates, that apparently, in the last summer outing, there was something like a department group picture, but our team wasn’t in it. Of course, we had several pictures of our team as well, but other than our own team members, and those in the other department we’re friends with, there were hardly any other people in our pictures. It was always just us.

Well, it’s usually the case with us, in company-wide events. Our team would always be doing something diffferent from the rest of the department (from the rest of the company, even). Anyway, my teammate said that she felt sad, because we really didn’t belong with the rest of the teams. And she said that because the rest of the teams have already bonded with each other, then there’s really very little chance left for our team to be part of them.

I totally don’t mind. I actually like it better that way. I’m not saying I don’t like the people from the other teams. They’re fine. They’re probably good people, too. But I have always been one to prefer small groups over large ones. I’ve always been someone who prefers a few close friends over several people who you won’t really get to know all that well anyway. I’m not friendly. And I don’t have any desire to be friendly. Maybe I’ll suffer the consequences of this snobbishness later on. Maybe a time will come wherein I would need help from someone, but since I don’t know that many people, then no one would be able to help me. But that’s actually fine with me. If no one is there to help, then that must mean that whatever problem I’m facing, is something that I should face alone.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m a bad person after all because I don’t feel any sadness towards our being somewhat of an outcast. The truth is, I think I’ve been purposefully distancing myself from people, purposefully making myself an outsider, because I like it better. It’s a lot easier, because you have less people to worry about, less people to think about. And although you have less people to share things with, and find out about, that’s really fine with me. Like I said, I’d rather get to know a few people really really well, than be friends with a lot of people who I won’t really be able to be myself with.

I already know all this about myself. I’ve no problems with it. So why am I writing about it now? I guess I just feel guilty because I told my teammate something that I think sounds a bit mean. See, she was feeling sad because she felt our team didn’t belong with the rest of the department, right? And I told her that if she wanted to be part of their group, then she should just go and be a part of them and that there was no need to take the whole team with her.

That’s a mean thing to say, right?

I don’t know. Maybe the rest of my teammates feel like they want to be part of the department too and I’m the only one who doesn’t feel that way. But even if that was the case, I wouldn’t hold them back. They can make friends with whoever they want. And I can not make friends, with people I don’t want to be friends with.

Is it wrong not to feel sad when you find out you’re an outsider? A lot of times, I’ve felt sad because I felt that people never really open up to me. I feel bad because I think that people don’t trust me. But I’ve never blamed anyone but myself for this. I’ve always known that it’s because, most of the time, I’m really not all that interested in what people have to say. That’s bad, right? Because you don’t learn new things that way, when you take only the things you’re interested in, and become indifferent to the information you think you won’t ever need. But I just can’t bring myself to do it. I’ve tried and tried, but I’ve found that I’m just really not interested in the things most people are interested in.

I’m not excited by any of the “reality” shows. I don’t like reading the books that everyone’s reading at the moment. I don’t like watching local television. I am not at all entertained with commercial jingles. I don’t find gay comedians the least bit funny. I don’t think rumors about actors and actresses are worth my time. I will not watch a blockbuster movie just because everyone says it’s good. And most of all, I can’t stand conversations with big groups where you’ll only be able to contribute bits and pieces of your opinion, but you won’t be able to say what you really think.

In fact, if I’m going to be completely, 100%, no politeness involved, honest with all of you, I’m going to admit, that despite my closest friends (and my officemates as well) being really smart and interesting people, there is still nobody whom I feel like I can talk to about anything. Maybe this is the reason why I don’t really like making new friends. Because if I do, I’m just going to have to put up another smiling face, and pretend that I’m a really nice person. And maybe the real reason I like the friends that I have now is because with them, I don’t have to pretend anymore.

Find Out Which Disney Girl You Are! created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Alice Have you fallen down the rabbit hole lately? Or played croquet with a deck of cards? Either way, you’re so very much like Alice! Her wild imagination and constant ability to daydream got her in so much trouble - you’ve probably heard your mother or teacher lecture you about having your head in the clouds! Remember to stay grounded most of the time, however, because life can get away from you when you’re always dreaming about someplace else! Alice 83% Belle 67% Megara 67% Jane 67% Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) 63% Mulan 58% Tinkerbell 58% Violet 54% Pocahontas 50% Snow White 50% Jasmine 50% Cinderella 46% Ariel 38% Esmerelda 21%

Yay! I’m Alice! I like her! Well, I mean, I like her story. And I do wish I could find that Wonderland…

I’ve come up with so many “quotes”, but I don’t know if anyone else has said them. Oh well, I’ll post them here anyway, because maybe you can use it someday. Hehehe. I don’t know if I’m the first to have thought of these (probably not), but rest assured that I thought of these on my own, and didn’t hear it from anyone else or anything like that.

“I finally know how it feels to fall in love. Now I want to know how it feels to be loved back.”

“Malunod na sana ko sa sarili kong luha.”

Okay, there’s only two of them for now, but I’ll think of nicer ones soon. I hope.

Things just change, I guess. Hindi naman pwedeng ganun nang ganun na lang parati. Siyempre, tumatanda tayo, so nagbabago ‘yung mga role natin sa mundo. So nagbabago ‘yung mga priorities, ‘yung mga pangarap, ‘yung mga pangyayari.

In an earlier post, I promoted the Mangaholix Convention ‘08. And I said that my friend J and I wouldn’t be able to go because we both had classes that day. I had a Nihongo class in Makati, and she had review classes in UST for her impending Board Exam. But as it turns out, she was able to go. She got there at 7PM, and the convention was almost ending, but she still paid the Php100 entrance fee. I told her that if she talked to the organizers, she may have been able to get in for free (Note: Some of the organizers are our friends from high school), but she said she didn’t want the hassle, and that she wanted to go anyway, “Even if alam kong lugi ako,” she said.

If only she’d told me sooner that she was going, then I probably would’ve gone as well. Of course, I wasn’t able to because other than my Japanese class, I also had to work that day (I’m talking about last Saturday, May 31, by the way). It’s not because our company’s a slave driver, the overtime is really due to my own irresponsibility. Ayoko nang mag-elaborate dahil baka kung ano pa ang masabi ko. So I’ll just stick to the topic. The Mangaholix Convention. Right. So, I wasn’t able to go, but from the looks of the pictures posted in my friends’ Multiply pages, and from J’s story, I’d say it was a lot of fun. But other than that, it looked like a really big thing, nearly as big as the Hero Channel Convention (perhaps because the venues were the same?), and that was organized by a big TV Network.

I guess because we started so small, that’s why it’s hard for me to believe that my friends have gone this far, to actually being hosts and organizers of a big event, getting famous bands (like Urbandub and Kala) to perform, and famous celebrities as their hosts (I don’t know who the host this year is, but last year it was the model, Sabrina Asano). Did I ever think that our after-school hangouts at Carl’s Jr. in ATC would get them to where they are now? Not even when they began to hold weekly art workshops in Ortigas did I ever think that they’d ever be able to get this “big time”. Maybe others think they’ve “sold out” (it’s usually the case in the art world, right?), especially since their material is more inclined to cater to the mainstream, rather than the serious artists (I say this because they have a lot of articles featuring mainstream stuff that I think are more for publicity rather than the “art” value, but of course I could be wrong), but I admire them for sticking to what they like to do, and making it this far anyway. I don’t think they ever compromised their integrity as artists anyway. Even if they have a lot of “publicity stunts”, the art they produce is still very good art. Although personally, I would’ve been happy even if they just published at an indie-comic level and people got to know them from that. I’m a fan of those “underdog” stories, after all. But again, this isn’t about that. What am I talking about, really?

I guess I just feel weird, because I wasn’t able to attend the convention. I haven’t attended one in a long time (It’s been exactly half a year, today, that I haven’t gone to one.) you see, and I kind of missed it. J said she had a lot of fun because she saw a lot of old friends and acquaintances, and she felt like she really belonged. Although we’re really close friends, she really knows more people than I do, mainly because 1) She played Ragnarok and so has an entire “guild” of friends, and 2) She’s really a lot friendlier/sociable than I am. There was a time when I did feel like that, like in the Mangaholix Convention last year. I didn’t have a Staff ID (don’t ask me why), but hung around the Mangaholix booth. One volunteer (I don’t know who, he must’ve been new), called my attention and told me that only volunteers were allowed inside the booth. I raised an eyebrow and the friend I’d been talking to at the time said to him that I was with him, so it was okay. Before the other guy could react, other staff members of Mangaholix showed up and they all greeted me by my name, thereby proving that I really was friends with them, and therefore it was okay for me to be there. I wasn’t just some random convention-goer, trying to get access to something I shouldn’t have access to. It actually upset me when he told me what he did, because he looked like he was asking me to leave. Hmph. Didn’t he know who I was? (Obviously not. Well, I’m not that popular anyway, and I didn’t have an ID, so yeah, it was an honest mistake, but I’m a brat. Haha.)

Well, it seems like I’m just rambling on and on without a point. I guess what I really want to say is that I feel bad that I wasn’t able to to go the convention, but at the same time, for some reason, I do feel sort of like, I don’t belong to that world, at least, not anymore. I don’t think I’ve “grown out of it”, because I don’t think I’ve grown at all, and it’s not like I’m no longer interested in anime and comics and toys and games. I still am, but somehow… maybe… I was content with just sitting on the sidelines, watching the cosplayers, and just going around the convention having fun. I don’t think I’d have any fun if I had responsibilities (like if I were an usher or a cosplay judge (not that I’d ever be one.)). I never really want to make it to the big time, after all. But I am real happy for my friends that they’ve achieved their goals (or at least one of them).

There’s so much to do!

At this point, I think I’m going to believe that we all have different definitions of what being “productive/unproductive” is. Take playing computer games, for example. I’ll bet that to a mom, a kid playing games is a kid being unproductive. But to a graphics designer, playing games is just like research, right?

So what brings me to this line of thinking, you ask? Only the fact that I have so much stuff lying around, which I always think I’ll get to do when I have free time, but then another thing comes along, and I end up neglecting them. Why was I born irresponsible, anyway?

The thing is, the tasks I leave lying around aren’t even “work” at all. They’re hobby-related fun stuff. But I get distracted to easily, I don’t know which fun stuff to do first!

1) Scrapbook - I bought a scrapbook from the bookstore, along with some accessories for it, colored paper and other art materials, planning to finally arrange all the memento I’ve collected from the places I’ve been to (e.g. ticket stubs, boarding passes, receipts — yes, I’ve kept those, too). I actually find things like that fun, but because my room is a mess right now (well, it usually is), I don’t want to make it worse by spilling glitters on the floor or whatever other accidents that might happen (I’m really clumsy) while I’m doing this project. So at the moment, the empty scrapbook is still in the plastic bag it was put in when I first bought it.

2) Books - I’m really unreliable, aren’t I? I start reading a book, but stop reading it in the middle and start reading an entirely different book before I finish it. The result is, I have about half a dozen books with bookmarks in the middle, and I’ve almost completely forgotten what the story is before those points with the bookmarks are. I’ll have to start them all over! It’s not that they’re not interesting that’s why I get distracted in the middle of reading them. It’s just that, the other books are really really interesting as well.

3) Computer - So I bought a computer and had my friend install the programs I said I wanted, but now comes the hard part: I have no idea how to use it! I mean, I haven’t had a computer for so long that I feel that the only thing I know now is how to check my e-mail and how to blog! I know that knowledge on the other programs will come around after exploring them, but I’m worried that I might do something idiotic that’ll cause my hard drive to crash or something. And I just can’t find the time to read all the tutorials on the net! I mean, I have fun exploring the programs but it’s really hard sometimes when you have no idea what’s going on, or how to repeat an action you did for example.

4) J-Drama - I’ve finished downloading Orange Days already and have seen ’til Episode 2. I’m loving it so far, but I can’t watch it consecutively, which is weird, considering watching dramas isn’t like homework. It’s something people do to relax or unwind, but somehow I’m not doing that.

5) Nintendo DS Lite - So I’m really happy about it and all, I’m enjoying playing the games and stuff, but between reading my books, watching the J-dramas, surfing the net, blogging and talking to my friends, I can’t find the time to play it either! Even if I really really want to.

6) Fanfiction - Here’s another thing distracting me from reading my books– there’s just so much fun stuff to read on the net! And there’s also my sister’s story that she asked me to read. And I want to read it, too. But at the moment I’m blogging, which takes me to

7) Blogging - Oh yeah, I’ve been updating this blog nearly everyday. But guess what, I have several more entries in the Drafts, which I didn’t publish, because people might tell me I have way too much free time because I blog everyday. It’s not like people check on me everyday, so if I blog everyday, naturally, the people who read are bound to miss some entries. And I don’t want that to happen because, well, because entries deserve their time to shine. They should all be treated equally. I’m not saying everyone reads all my entries, but for me personally, I like it better when an entry stays more than one day on the main page, because it gives me more time to absorb what’s in it, as opposed to if the entries change too quickly, then you barely have time to think about or react to what the blogger has said, right?

8 ) Out-of-Town Getaway - My officemates and I are on our way to Cagayan De Oro this Friday. We’re leaving really early in the morning, and I still haven’t packed single thing! I can’t even remember what time our flight is! It’s not that I’m not excited, it’s just that I’m so confused as to what to think about first, that I’ve somehow neglected getting excited for the trip. @_@ Does that make any sense?

9) Fangirling - See, I can’t even research about NEWS and Tamaki Hiroshi and Takeshi Yasutoko anymore because I have the DS games and Harry Potter fanfiction and House episodes and the Bernie Rhodenbarr Mysteries and Speed Racer (I haven’t seen it yet T_T) and writing to think about. But… but… I miss them!

10) Puzzles - I just received some puzzles from my sister. She sent me a package (all the way from NZ!) with the card game that I like and a jigsaw puzzle of the world map with pictures of the flags of different countries behind it. (Yeah, she’s a nerd. Haha!) And I want to try it out– so I’ll know if the world map in my brain is accurate. And I want to play the card game, too. But who will I play with? And, where will I build the puzzle? I’ve run out of empty surfaces in my room. O_O

There’s actually a lot more, but I’m really too tired. Isn’t it just a little weird that I’m having a hard time picking between the activities that are supposedly what make people “unproductive”? It’s not that I don’t have free time, it’s just that I don’t know what’s the first thing I want to do with it. This is also why I’m lacking sleep, by the way. Because I watch J-dramas ’til the wee hours of the morning, and then play games after, and then read the Battle Royale novel after that. My eyes hurt, and I’m already dizzy as hell, but I’m just so curious what will happen next, how I can get to the next level, and what the lyrics are to that Asian Kung-Fu Generation song…

And I haven’t even begun thinking of all the anime I want to watch.

Just so you know, this isn’t going to be a movie review. I don’t think I know enough about the topic to give a good review of it, but it will be related to my watching the movie, which is why this entry is titled so.

This is the proof that I’m really not girly-girly. Or maybe it’s the geek in me, but I really really really liked this movie. I mean, it’s like sci-fi, but it’s so realistic– it’s a good example of those “fiction but doesn’t seem like fiction” stories. It’s absolutely wonderful.

I loved it, which is weird, considering I don’t like action movies, much. I’m not very fond of explosions and guns blazing and all that war stuff, but now I really believe that if a story’s good enough, or at least one of the elements of the movie (in this case, it’s the technology– both the fictitious technology included in the story, and the technology of the movie magic in making the film) is really very good, then one will learn to appreciate the other parts that one wouldn’t normally like. In my case, because the special effects, concept, and story of this one was just so cool, that I didn’t mind at all how there were so many explosions, and scenes with cars (I don’t like cars much). Towards the middle of the story, I didn’t even mind anymore that Robert Downey, Jr. isn’t exactly someone I would call “cute” or “handsome”. And I’m willing to overlook how “comic-book-y” Gwyneth Paltrow’s character’s name is. I mean, Pepper Potts? That’s straight from a comic book writer’s mind, right there. (Well, this movie was based on a comic book after all.)

Anyhow, I watched this with one of my friends J (who is a girl), and she didn’t like it much. I can tell. Even if she said it was okay. I think she didn’t hate it, but she didn’t like it too much either. I think it’s because it’s a guy film, even worse, it’s a geeky guy film, which is probably why she didn’t like it all that much. Anyway, it’s such a contrast to me because I loved it to bits.

I’m not stereotyping here. I know a lot of other girls who really loved the movie as well, I just still think that it’s mostly a guy film. Because it’s really quite violent. Anyway, the reason I think I like it, other than because it’s kind of a sci-fi flick with all the gadgets, is because in some ways, it seems kind of like an anime. I mean, the mecha-type anime. There’s this scene where the bad guy puts the glowing power source into the armor’s heart– doesn’t it just remind you of the dragu-energists in The Vision of Escaflowne?

I mean, American mecha just used to be Transformers and other kinds wherein the robots are also beings themselves, and not hi-tech machines controlled by humans, which is why this is a refreshing change for them. And for us as well, because it’s the first time I’ve seen a story set in the U.S. with believable mecha.

Okay, I’m not going to continue with that line of thinking (See! I told you all my movie reviews eventually end up comparisons of the East and West). And just spaz some more about the movie like the geeky fan girl that I am. Hehehe.

IRONMAN! Whee!! XD I haven’t really been loving the Marvel stories too much. Spider-man 3 was disappointing for me (despite the presence of James Franco, Topher Grace and Tobey Maguire). Fantastic Four is also nothing very interesting. Well, it had potential, but in the middle of the story they explored an angle that I really didn’t like (I’ll tell you what it is: It’s Silver Surfer’s motivation. Can’t they think of anything else for him to act the way he did, other than having lost his family (and his remembering his wife because of Invisible Girl and so he’s kinder towards her is just ugh!!)? Come on! I’m sure there are plenty of other reasons out there, why reuse this old and boring one?!). And with the X-Men series, I only really liked the last one. But this one (IronMan) seems to be off to a good start, so hopefully they don’t overdo it, and the next ones will be really good as well.

Hollywood seems to be relying on some hits and misses, I think. I mean, some movies (like this one) turn out really really great, but others (most, actually) really really suck. I just saw trailers for the new The Incredible Hulk. I didn’t see the first one with Eric Bana, but seeing Edward Norton involved in this one makes me have high expectations for it. Well, it should be good considering it’s already a remake of a remake. And then there’s My Sassy Girl, which I was against at first, because we all know that that kind of story would only really work in a Korean setting (it was really weird watching the two American actors slapping each other at the train station. It’s just not cute, like it is in the original My Sassy Girl.), what would they do with the “school uniform” part? But again, I think I’ll be watching it because I like the cast– Jesse Bradford, I love!! XD And what else…? Narnia, Batman: The Dark Knight, and Indiana Jones 4! Well, we all have high expectations on that… Oh, I also saw the Teaser for a new Star Trek movie. I didn’t even know there was going to be another one! Kind of a coincidence for me because I was just researching yesterday about it and found out that the actress whose voice they used for the “computer” in the series was actually Gene Rodenberry’s girlfriend.

Anyway, good luck to Hollywood! I really hope the upcoming movies turn out great!